Control and Worry

I am a big planner.  I just love to have some sort of a plan.  Now, I fully realize that sometimes the plan doesn't work out, and I'm up for God changing plans, but I like to at least have one initially.  So, with that ... I'm a bit of a control freak.  Toby might embellish that to a bit of a Nazi, but it's up for interpretation.

This week has been really trying on my controlling nature.  I am coming down to the end of PT school, and we are having to be assigned to our last three clinic sites, all of which are ten week assignments.  We turned in our top choices for our first ten week rotation this past Monday.  Now, my classmates probably didn't have a clue, but I was seriously freaking out all day, and this is why:  All I can do is list my top 10 choices, and the great PT Oz will decide my destination.  Oh, and it's not a guarantee that I will be matched to one of my top 10 choices.  I may have to pick from the scrapings after all my classmates have been placed.  See, this is just not cohesive to how I like to run things.

Ideally, I will get placed somewhere close to Conway, which is what I listed on my top 10.  However, if I am not matched to one of my top 10 then I am forced to look elsewhere.  But, here's the thing.  I can't do that because I have Toby and Kylie.  I drove back and forth from Lonoke, AR the month of May to do my first clinic rotation.  Yes, I could have stayed in my hometown the entire time, which is only a 30 minute drive, but that would mean that I would be away from Toby and Kylie for a whole 5 weeks.

You might think this a little strange, but Toby and I have not been apart for more than a day since we first started dating in December 2006.  We really and truly just love each other.  Yes, we argue sometimes about silly things and get mad at each other, but overall we really do enjoy each other's company.  I cannot and will not be apart from my sweeties for 10 weeks.  So, I am praying that I get matched to one of my choices so that I will not have to worry further than what I already have.

Worry.  I hate that word, that feeling.  I have always told myself when I begin to worry that it is a lack of faith.  I know that God knows all, and all things work to the good of them that love God, but my mind still tends to worry.  I would try to blame it on being a mother, but that would be lying because I have been a worrier ever since I was little.  Here is a perfect example to illustrate this:

Imagine me, a cute little blonde kindergardener lying in bed.  In fact, forget imagining.  Here's a picture:  

You'd think that I was carefree, not a worry in the world, right?  I mean, what could a 5 year old think of to worry about?  Well, I not only was a worrier at 5, but a hard-core planner.  My room was down the hall from mom and dad's, and I'll be the first to admit that I was the kid that slept with my parents long after the cut off time.  So, here I am, 5 years old, lying in bed trying to go to sleep and resisting the temptation to just go crawl into bed with mom and dad.  I had seen those documentaries on TV about kids being abducted from their beds at night, and that seriously had me worried.  So, here was my plan.  I was a good mix of tom-boy and girly girl.  I had my pocket knife--opened and hidden behind my lamp ready for action.  My big, tall trophies that I had won from beauty pageants were also on the night stand.  My plan was to impale any intruder that might be brave enough to try and take me with my biggest trophy and then subsequently stab them with my little pocket knife.

Thinking back on that, I am beside myself.  Why in the world was I that worried at such a young age?  But, that just further confirms that I have been a worrier for most of my life.  Not only a worrier, but always attempting to control the situation.  I mean, really - what did I think I was going to prove if someone really would have tried to abduct me?  I would have looked real intimidating with my trophy and miniature pocket knife.

These two issues are a constant battle within me:  Control and Worry.  So, I always remind myself of this wonderful verse:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Phillipians 4: 6-7 

How glorious it is to know that we have a Father in Heaven who listens to us when we worry and gives us peace to comfort our hearts when we come to Him in prayer.  We serve an awesome God.